Freely Captivated

Today, I learned a new lesson. Well, actually, it's not a "new" lesson. This is something God has been trying to tell me the past month. But sometimes, you know, we have selective hearing. Do you remember that famous annoying saying in an episode of The Simpsons, where they are all in the car and the kids keep repeating the same saying over and over again? "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"...lol. That has been me the past nine years. Yes nine. In case I've never mentioned it before, I am a planner. I love to plan my vacations, dates with my husaband, when I will eat next, what I will wear, what I will say, etc. You get the picture. I  have had to learn the past nine years how to be a "rider" and not the "driver". It's been one of the hardest lessons I think I've ever had to learn. I am kind of an uptight person. I've never really been one to just relax and enjoy the ride.  But sometimes, when it's been nine years...a...

Someone once said they didn't need anyone else, that she was miss independent who could do everything on  her own. Yeah, that foolish person, was me. I am a very independent person. I always try to do everything on my own. Sometimes I can be a handful, and terribly stubborn. Oh and let's not forget prideful. But now we're getting off subject. We were talking about being independent. That's me. I try really hard not to be. A lot of my independence is rooted from having to do so much on my own. I got my first job at 16, when I was living with my grandma because she wouldn't buy me what I needed. From that point on, I bought most of what I needed. I moved out when I turned 18, and lived on my own, taking care of myself until I got married to Ken. When you're used to not having anyone around that can or is willing to help you, it makes you a lot more independent. My father was never around, so I was taught by the women in my family, to be a strong woman who too...

Many years ago when I was young girl, I didn't have many friends. The friends I did have were very good at just sticking around so they could use me for what I had (which wasn't much), and as soon as I ran out, so did they. I never really accumulated any good friends. I just wanted people to like me. Someone to like me. I hated myself so much, I wanted someone to give me a good reason to like myself. I wanted to belong to someone, and have them call me their own. I thought maybe if someone considered me worthy enough to be their friend, I must be worth something. Well I didn't have much luck finding any good friends. Just users. I got used to it I guess. So then I started looking for a "man" that deemed me worthy enough to keep around. I swear I must have been a loser magnet. That is all I could seem to attract. For years I was on a search for self-worth. I looked in friends, men, family, and a bunch of other things that left me with no answers and completely ...