He Is My Worth

Many years ago when I was young girl, I didn't have many friends. The friends I did have were very good at just sticking around so they could use me for what I had (which wasn't much), and as soon as I ran out, so did they. I never really accumulated any good friends. I just wanted people to like me. Someone to like me. I hated myself so much, I wanted someone to give me a good reason to like myself. I wanted to belong to someone, and have them call me their own. I thought maybe if someone considered me worthy enough to be their friend, I must be worth something.

Well I didn't have much luck finding any good friends. Just users. I got used to it I guess. So then I started looking for a "man" that deemed me worthy enough to keep around. I swear I must have been a loser magnet. That is all I could seem to attract. For years I was on a search for self-worth. I looked in friends, men, family, and a bunch of other things that left me with no answers and completely unfulfilled. I needed someone to hear me. Someone to see me. Someone to know me. Someone to notice me, even if just for a moment. I was crying out for help, and no one could hear me. 

At age 20...God saved my life. He found me in my pit. He found me in all my mistakes. He found me in my brokenness. He found me in my shame. He found me in my pain. Did you hear me? HE FOUND ME.

Like a missing person with no hope in returning to a familiar place...He found me. 

Like a trunk full of treasure just waiting to be unlocked, He found me.

From that point, my journey to worth had begun. I could not find worth in friends, family, men, or even in a Father that was never around. I found my worth in Jesus Christ. 

Good friends help. A good family and parents help. A good spouse helps. But no one can help you like Jesus. When everyone else seems to be dropping like flies in your life, Jesus remains. When you've prayed for a lost loved one, or for that family you've been dying to have since you were 5, Jesus hears you. Even when you can't find the right words to pray, Jesus knows what's in your heart. He will never forsake you in your weakest moments. He is and always will be there for you. He will always hear you even when you can't find the words to pray.

Just today, I was praying for God to give me a family. It's hard watching all of these other women have babies and not wonder and ask when it's going to be my turn. I mean, as a woman, if I don't sometimes get a little aggravated because I don't have children yet...then I wouldn't be human. But unfortunately, I am. 

It may be another 10 years before I have children. But I'm ready to wait as long as it takes, because He is worth it all. If I never have children, I would be devastated. But I would get over it. He is my everything. Children are just an added blessing. But my relationship with God...that's everything to me. With or without children, with or without  money, with or without family, with or without breath....He will still be my everything.