I Will Recall

I'm not really sure what sparks it. Most days I'll be okay, and then on some days I can't hold it in. It was probably from the other day. A co-worker had told me about one of her friends who miscarried twins at 20 weeks. Just the word "miscarriage" took me back. I'm not going to lie. That word stabs me every time. It's like when you lose someone to cancer or a car accident. When you hear those specific words, it brings back feelings. Feelings you've managed to control until that moment. I'm usually full of faith and proclaiming positive words over myself to help keep me going. Tonight is not the case. I recall how it felt, I recall the heart break. I recall the time of day and year. I recall the emptiness and void feeling I felt that day, and for awhile after. I recall every smell, every feeling, and every minute. I will always remember the child that I carried, even if it was for just a few months.

Today, all I have is prayers, memories, wishes, and dreams. I dream of holding my babies in my arms as I rock them to sleep. I dream of dressing them for church. I dream of bonding with them as I feed them. I dream about running to their rescue when they get hurt. I dream of getting up in the wee hours of the morning when they cry. I dream of teaching them all the treasures my God has taught me. I dream of teaching them about Him. I dream of going to family events with something other than a woman's empty arms. I dream of the family time that Ken and I will have with them. I dream of taking pictures of babies with their daddy. I dream of every motherly experience that comes with a baby. Most days I dream not only pain free, but with an expectant and joyful heart for what my Father has promised me. But today I dream with an aching heart. And I've come to realize over the years that God is not afraid of my feelings, or my vulnerability, or my emotions. Sometimes I just need to cry it out and crawl into my Father's arms and let Him hold me for awhile , and comfort me....telling me it's all going to be okay. He's excellent at that. 

And when I come up from the warm embrace of His arms, with a light heart and dry eyes, I will recall. I'll recall His promises to me. I'll recall His healing. I'll remember His truth and His words that He has spoken over me and to me. And I will rejoice for what's to come. It may not come tomorrow. It may not come this year. But His word never returns to Him void and without completion. I will recall how He has healed my heart from everything. I will recall how powerful and loving He is, and that when I delight myself in Him He will give me the desires of my heart. Pain may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning. I may not FEEL like recalling anything right now. But I choose to recall. My spirit chooses to recall, and I know eventually...my heart and my mind will finally catch up. Thank you Lord for all your promises. Thank you Lord for your everlasting love that is always right there when I need it the most. 

Whatever heartbreak, sickness, or obstacle you are facing right now....recall the words the Lord has spoken over you. Remember what He has already done for you. Let it build your faith. Return to the stones you have placed in parts of your life. However we have to recall Him, let us recall Him with great faith and honor to Him for all He done in times past. Return to your stones. 

Amanda B