Hello...It's Me Again.

As I am looking over my blog, I've realized I haven't written in awhile. I haven't really said much in awhile. But I have to confess, life has definitely thrown me a few curveballs that I was not expecting, that has left me with very few words. Perhaps that's why they are called curveballs. I mean, who really expects the ball to curve at the last minute during a throw, and make you strike out unexpectedly? Exactly.

My husband had surgery back in March and he couldn't work for awhile. And then in June my dad passed away of a heart attack. Definitely not something I was expecting. I was brokenhearted for many reasons.

Let me just tell you about me and my dad in a nutshell. My parents divorced when I was around 6 years old. He was always in and out of our lives from that point on. Over the course of my marriage I had seen my Dad more times than I had growing up. He used to be an alcoholic, and not a very good dad growing up. Perhaps that is the reason my parents divorced. But nonetheless...I was one crushed little girl. I was never one of the lucky ones that had their daddy around all the time. Our relationship never ended up the way I had always dreamed of. I was angry at him lots of times for never being there. I even wrote him a letter awhile back, being brutally honest with how I felt about him never being there, and wondered why he never tried harder. 

I NEVER SENT THE LETTER...I couldn't do it. I was sure there had to be an explanation. Maybe I just got too busy to send it. I don't know. I just never sent it. I am so glad I didn't. 

There are a few things that I found out about him after he passed away that made perfect sense. I found out shortly after I got married, that he became sober years before that. And I regretted that I had not spoken to him in at least a year when he passed away. I had always clung to a hope that one day our relationship would be as it should. When he passed away, I knew it never would. I was devastated. I cared about him a lot more than I expected. But somehow....God had used my father's death to bring that reconciliation I had always wanted. I don't know how God did it. But my heart just felt so at peace with who my dad was. He still had his faults, but I knew he loved me. I am ashamed to say that I never saw it because of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness hides truth, and hides the light. It's like a thick black wall between two people. Love destroys that thick black wall. Forgiveness comes from love.  

But after all this that God had helped me figure out....I wish I could say things have been easy since then. But unfortunately, my reconciliation with my father has rendered some negative results with my family. Relationships have been broken. Gossip and assumptions have ruled, and have won seperation. I will say that I am definitely a :"fixer-upper" in a relationship. I love to fix the broken things, because I hate the broken things between two human beings....especially with family. But sometimes...the broken things aren't mine to "fix". It's been a constant battle between fixing it, and letting go. And I still am not even sure which one I am supposed to do. Some things are just too big for my hands to hold.

But I don't regret thinking positive things about my father, and I am not going to apologize for it. I have a right to keep the good memories alive, and believe he was a good person, and that he really truly loved me. That is all I have left of him. I choose to not remember the past because it is already gone. And if believing the good things about a person, seperates you from another...then I guess that's the way it has to be. I just feel like I am doing the best thing my Heavenly Father would want me to do. It's just not fair that I have to choose who to love when the bible says I am to love everyone. So that's what I choose. 

As long as my Heavenly Father is still on the throne...I will always choose to do what HE expects of me. I will choose to please HIM. If that makes me the most rejected, unloved person in the entire world...then I don't care. The love my Abba Father has for me is more than enough to cover the lack of love from every human being in the world. And right now, I will totally rest in that.